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What Was Left out of the Bible
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The Bible runs the gamut in almost all human virtues and vices. Yet it falls down in one very important area — that of humor. If we are "made in God's image," one might get the impression that God didn't laugh very much. (There are those who, however, think the creation of the human race was one God's grandest jokes.) Oh, there are a few puns, a smattering of sarcasms and ironies. But nothing we moderns can appreciate. To make up for this deficit, let me try my hand at what the Lord may have had his prophets proclaim in his Holy Scripture.

· When Adam met Eve, she said: „Put it there, Big Boy!"

· In the Garden of Eden, they did it in reverse ...

· Leaf 'em and Love 'em.

Pat Robertson opened one of the Gideon Bibles in a Los Angeles hotel room. On the front page he read this inscription: „If sick, read Psalm 18. If troubled about your family, read Psalm 45. If you are lonely, read Psalm 92." He was lonely, so he opened to Psalm 92 and read it. When through, he noticed on the bottom of the page the handwritten words: "If you are still lonely, call Hollywood 573-0328 and ask for Sandra."  

A born-again Christian named Claire  
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed  
She reverently said,  
„I wish to be opened with prayer."

How did they prove that Jesus was Jewish?
1. He lived with his mother until he was 30,  
2. He went into his father's business.  
3. His mother thought he was God,  
4. And he thought his mother was a virgin.

Why does the Pope take a shower with swimming trunks? He hates to look down on the unemployed.

· Jesus is coming. Everybody look busy!  
· Jesus paid for our sins … now let's get our money's worth.  
· Lord, save me from your followers!  
· Revive fertility rites.  
· The Fundamentalist gene pool could use little chlorine.  
· The trouble with the Bible is that the covers are too far apart.  
· Why did God create WASPS? Somebody had to pay retail.  
· „Had a hard day," complained the backwoods preacher as he sat down to dinner. "Hadda baptize four adults and six adultersses."

· THEIST: A person with both feet planted firmly in the air.  
· SAINT: A dead sinner revised and edited.  
· TV CHRISTIANITY: Theater of the absurd.  
· CHURCH: A secular institution in which the half-educated speak to the half-converted.  
· LIAR: An atheist who tells the unpleasant truth.  
· SCHMONK: A Jewish boy who joins a monastery.

· Due to the lack of trumpeters, the end of the world has been postponed indefinitely.  
· The trouble with resisting temptation is that it may never come again.  
· The Church is wrong: love is a matter of chemistry, sex a matter of physics.  
· Sex? The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.  
· Birth control is avoiding the issue.  
· The masses are the opium of religion.  
· Sin now — pray later.  
· Dracula sucks.  
· Infants don't have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery.  
· Don't believe in superstition, it brings bad luck.  
· No one can be unhappy while eating a bagel.  
· Two wrongs won't make a right, but three rights will make a left.  
· You can't be a rationalist in an irrational world. It isn't rational.

· Avoid the Christmas rush: convert to Judaism.  
· How odd of God to choose the Jews.

There once was a monk from Siberia,  
Whose manners were rather inferior.  
He did to a nun  
What shouldn't be done.  
And now she's a Mother Superior.  
There was a young choirboy from Devon  
Who was raped in a haystack by seven  
High Anglican priests (Lascivious beasts)  
For such is the kingdom of heaven.

He who laughs last has no sense of humor. Do you think the Lord is laughing?  

Published in the 2002 November/December issue of the American Rationalist ©.

 Po przeczytaniu tego tekstu, czytelnicy często wybierają też:
Jesus Camp: A Children's Boot Camp for the Culture Wars

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